What your favorite peloton instructor says about you - yoga edition

What Does Your Favorite Peloton Instructor Say About You: Yoga Edition

Yeah, yeah. All y’all want to know what your inner landscape is like because you love Denis Morton. YOU HAVE GREAT HAIR, okay? We’ll get to the rest. This time, it’s neither psychic ability or science, but inner peace (brought to us by a lot of yoga) which leaves our brains empty enough for these insights.

(And yes, I know this isn’t all the yoga instructors, there are too many! We’ll save a few for another edition, and it will be worth it. We’d never think of blowing you off, Ross, Anna, Kristin, and Kirra!)


Seriously, no one can resist.

If your favorite instructor is Chelsea Jackson Roberts, people frequently describe you as, “Oh, she’s so sweet!” Your smile warms the heart, and every small child chases you for hugs. What people don’t know is that behind that beautiful meadow with sunny skies (depending on the day, of course) lies either a stormy ocean with one of those tiny little ships bobbing up and down on enormous waves, or a massive electrical storm that makes herds of cows flee. But not in a bad way or anything; there’s just a little more internal drama than most would guess when hypnotized by your kindness. You’re still a total sweetie. Hobbies may include painting rooms in your house new colors, experimenting to see which seed brings the most birds to your yard, and helping your friends Konmari their closets. You wear a lot of neutrals and a lot of comfy clothes, and you’re very much into fresh flowers in the house. We recommend letting people know how many layers you have (like a parfait…) and also that you’re pretty hard core, really- and what better way than to hit the mountains with a Camila Ramon climb ride?


If you’re reading this, Mariana fan, the author wants your eyebrow tips

If your favorite instructor is Mariana Fernandez, you have immaculate eyebrows, and while people don’t believe it, you really don’t do a thing to keep them that way. Immaculate everything, actually (except one secret closet where the mess goes.) You’re equally comfortable in a pinstriped business suit speaking at a conference, ripped jeans at a park, and fishnets at a concert, and of course you look awesome in workout clothes, too. You got the Tread+ right before the recall and felt a little bit guilty about it. You’re afraid of butterflies. You make socks into hand puppets to entertain whoever might be watching, and sometimes to help scare away butterflies (though really, you prefer it when someone else scares the butterflies). Speaking of whoever might be watching, you’re not worried about that either- you can talk to anyone, anytime, whether it’s a random stranger in an elevator on your way to an appointment or 750 people while you’re on stage at a major event. Face your fears with THIS SPECIFIC episode of the Jess King Experience.


Most Likely to Succeed (in non-feline circles)

If your favorite instructor is Aditi Shah, you’re basically the most popular kid in high school even though you’re now 38, which is a much healthier time to be the most popular kid in high school anyway. Of COURSE you’re Most Likely to Succeed and class president, and also you probably have a really fluffy dog that everyone in the world wants to pet. If you’re not a dog person, instead you have fish, a guinea pig, or maybe a lizard, because animals like you and you like them, with the exception of cats. Cats don’t understand you. Everyone you meet starts telling your their life story- something about you says, “approachable,” even if you’re not always sure how to respond. You’re slightly picky about your wardrobe, and especially fabric texture- things should be soft, have any tags removed, not require ironing, and preferably have as few seams as possible, because they irritate your somewhat sensitive skin, particularly at the back of your neck. You live a little bit of a charmed life, but if there’s ever a day when things aren’t so great, we suggest the Mood Series- maybe Hannah Frankson can help you deal with some frustration?


The puppy also loves pizza rolls.

If your favorite instructor is Nico Sarani, you think science is the most awesome thing ever, and you particularly love astronomy. Annnnnnnnd astrology, though you don’t usually admit to that in public…. but you’re really good at guessing star signs, and you probably could have written this article as well. (Disclaimer: Nico Sarani did not write this article.) You’re goofy and silly and nerdy and a lot like an adult kid, because you collect (cool, sciency!) toys and quietly enjoy video games, especially ones that take an unexpected turn. While you’re pretty into healthy eating and enjoy everything from Mediterranean to Peruvian food, you have a soft spot for kid-level junk food like pizza rolls, jelly beans, and anything cotton-candy flavored. (You’re also very much into sensible sports like yoga and hiking, but have a soft spot for trampolines, playgrounds, and those big inflatable water slides.) You might be a goofy, nerdy kid at heart, but you’ve got to adult from time to time- maybe even hit some grown-up music lifting with Andy Speer?


I promise never to use the word “thirsty” to describe Denis fans, because they’re so much more than that.

If your favorite instructor is Denis Morton, ladies love you, men love you, non-binary everyone loves you, but in your case (unlike in Cody’s) grandmothers aren’t sure what to think of you. They’re not really SURE if you’re a nice young person. (The rest of us know you are, but just something about you makes the older folks a tiny bit nervous, even if you’re one of the older folks.) You own all the hair products and you’re ready to try some more, but as a generous person, you pass off the ones that don’t work as well to your younger siblings. You’re definitely an oldest child. You’re not quite as confident as people think you are- on the inside, a little part of you is always trying to please everyone. Listen to me, though: you already do. You’re doing amazing, sweetie. On your bucket list? Skydiving, running an ultramarathon, going to Burning Man, seeing the Great Wall of China and someday after you retire, working part-time at a library where you can recommend books to people, because you’d be awesome at that. I literally have no reason why, but just a feeling: take a row class with Ash. Wear some hot-colored leggings and a shiny sports bra and fling the hair about a little, too.

So, was I right? Did we nail your personality? And who’s next?

Tune in to The Clip Out every Friday to hear Tom and Crystal’s take on this and other hot Pelotopics. We’re available on Apple PodcastsSpotifyGoogle PodcastsiHeartTuneIn. Be sure and follow us so you never miss an episode. You can also find the show online on Facebook.com/TheClipOut. While you’re there, like the page and join the group. Lastly, find us on our YouTube channel, YouTube.com/TheClipOut, where you can watch all of our shows.

See something in the Peloton Universe that you think we should know? Visit theclipout.com and click on Submit a Tip!